My Greatest Fear
by ND Efrat Keller
You’re far but near,
Like gossamer, but clear
Evoking whispered smiles, but endless tears;
These paradoxes, a pain I bear.
You, mortal! You’ve gone; yet still here.
You still give so much; teach me to share!
My beacon of hope, help me surmount my despair;
Prevail over painful paradoxes, and more, my infinite fears.
The fear of confronting a pain, oh, so real,
Of believing that this grief I one day won’t feel,
Of insecurities impeding my own will to heal,
But there’s more that I dread, and to you I appeal:
Let me not mount you on a pedestal too high
Nor mask your humanity with an idealized lie;
Let me not ache with each day that goes by
Nor cease to live my life because you died.
My logic insists you are with me, but my heart still pulses fear.
Your bongos, guitar, your trumpet, echo music in my ears;
Now I still can picture scenes of many moments shared.
But what might someday happen with the passage of more years?
The songs I miss, the voices I scarcely hear,
The paradoxes, pedestals, insecurities, that you’re far yet so near,
But it’s the not remembering you; that is what I mostly fear,
Now that you’re physically no longer here.
That, my greatest fear.
ND Efrat Keller lost her beloved big brother in 2006 when he was seventeen-years-old. Most of her days were happy and hopeful, but she wrote this poem while exploring a vulnerability that anyone who experienced loss, may occasionally feel.
This poem was published in Our Tapestry Issue #4. All rights reserved.